User talk:Chibi-Works
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Case File: Smiler Man page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 18:52, April 26, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:58, April 26, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story The story did have some minor formatting issues (trying to indent/space caused those white box issues that were present). Additionally not inserting a complete space between paragraphs joined a few that you meant to keep separate. I would also advise to stick to either double spacing or single spacing your paragraphs as switching between the two (single spaced is more common and gives a more concise/less padded out feeling to the story) really doesn't work. If these were the only issues present in the story, I would have corrected them, but there were quite a lot of punctuation, capitalization, wording/grammatical, and story issues here that really detracted from the overall quality of your story. Punctuation: Commas missing from continuing dialogue. " midway.(,)" A relatively young looking black man informed us before pulling Jarred off to the side.", "I haven't seen you in like forever.(,)” S(s)he protested", "You must be stuck.(,)” he laughed brushing", "You wouldn’t believe who got me to look at it this way.(,)” I chuckled.", etc. If the sentence continues after the dialogue, it should be ended with a comma rather than a period as a period implies the complete end of a sentence. Punctuation issues cont.: Commas missing from sections where a comma is needed (a pause/break is implied). ""Yeah(,) but fears and vomit inducing topics are totally different." He laughed.", "Sir(,) I need you calm down", "It was cute(,) the two of them looked so surprised to see me.", “Daddy(,) why do people steal other people?”, "Jarred(,) get our warrant.", "His head turned to me(,) part of her flesh being sucked into his mouth.", "You look positively green(,) would you like a bucket?", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to catch these issues as they're quite frequent. Miscellaneous punctuation issues. "It's a cannibal case isn't it.(?)", "These chairs are not very guest friendly, now are they.(?)", "life's a bitch now isn't it.(?)", etc. Rhetorical questions still need proper punctuation as well as apostrophes missing from possessive words (seen below). Capitalization: Improper capitalization after dialogue. "Hank my friend," He (he) placed a hand on my shoulder.", ""Thanks, Artie.(,)" My (my) partner interjected", ""Alcohol is the most commonly used depressant these days.(,)" The (the) agent scoffed.", ""Ain't nothing good 'bout this afternoon.(,)" He (he) hissed back.", "well, get to it.(,)" He (he) prodded.", "“The woman.” He (he) stammered.", etc. Remember if the words are a continuation from dialogue, they shouldn't be capitalized unless they are a proper noun or a completely new sentence. Grammar/wording issues: "I felt the churn worsen and my gut tightens (tightened, the story is in past tense) up.", "I was always thankful of (for) Jarred", "Jarred when (sic) to go talk to his coworker while I made a request in with a friend in the precinct.", "At first, he laughed at me, honestly getting a call like that I probably would have done the same thing (to me).", "Then we got into a good fight for a couple moment", "A few minutes later, Harrison and I were both pouring (poring) over my notes.", etc. Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "victim(')s prints", "I proceeded to drink the case(')s troubles away", "the nurse(')s freshly mangled body", etc. Your=possession, you're=you are. "You're (sic)missing person poster is still sitting on my desk". Story issues: "There was only one person ever registered with a sixth finger and he went missing twenty-six years ago." This comes off as odd as people with polydactylism is actually more common than that (1 in 500 if the current statistics are to be accepted) as well as vitiligo. That they would only have one match (for an unnamed kidnapping victim) for those characteristics in almost three decades seems like a stretch. Additionally, the patched skin appearance really could use a bit more fleshing out. Was that from the abduction and abuse (skin-stretching) or congenital. If it's congenital, why exactly do police have records for a 38 year old man who has been off the grid since his abduction and why are they making that connection rather than looking through a database of criminal offenders? You should also use asterisks or a line break to signify a jump in scenery as you cut from the nurse's dinning room to the interrogation room without any indication that time has passed. "“I can handle anything else, but the idea of a person eating another person gets me a little sick okay.” I grumbled in response. / "Continue Detective." He urged." Story issues cont.: Abby's dialogue feels really out of place. "I pointed my fork at her, Abbigale was in the seventh grade so I wasn’t too comfortable..." For a person in 7th grade to be talking like this: “Daddy why do people steal other people?”, "Maybe he was sorry for what he did.”, etc. In 7th grade, that would put them between 12-14 typically. Dialogue like that feels very off and much more childish than suitable for that age. The twist at the end also comes out of left field with the agent threatening him. It really doesn't have any roots/references in the story and feels added on. Story issues final.: "it was impossible for them to stomach too much of a typical human diet at any one time. It caused them to vomit whatever they ate.”" This feels like a pretty weak excuse for the killer's continued cannibalism (especially since he's apparently eating victims raw which likely means he's suffering from some prion disorder if that's his only source of food). This line also feels completely out of place given the circumstances. "It was at that moment, that what that Smiler guy told me about made complete sense." He is telling the protagonist this story as he is in the process of eating someone (an action the protagonist describes as making him almost vomit multiple times.) It feels out of place that this hardened detective would hear the story and just jump right on the bandwagon with him. This becomes even more apparent after this: "I want you to describe me as a terrible and twisted man, throw smiles and taunting." (Right after he had bitten off his middle finger and brutally killed and ate the only person who trusted him. What is there to imply that he isn't a monster at this point?) There really needs to be a lot more interaction between the two for this ending to work, otherwise it feels very absurd. These were a few of the issues I came across while reviewing the story. There really doesn't seem to be a lot of background to build-up this story (mainly with the final scene and the nurse's dining room scene.) and the twist needs a lot more fleshing out if you're going to use it. I would also change the killer's stitched up appearance as he got those injuries over two decades ago. Is he continually re-stitching his face? Stitches tend to come out after a few weeks as they are for temporarily binding wounds. I think to make this story work, you are going to need to drastically re-write this story while correcting the mechanical issues that are present. Currently the story is not up to quality standards which result in its deletion. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:46, April 26, 2016 (UTC)